Hey. Guess what? Life was never meant to be a struggle.
What!?!??!
I can’t even type that without feeling outraged. One of my teachers recommended I read a book of that title. It’s a wee little book written in the 80s by some new-agey white dude named Stuart. Ok, ok, easy now. Yes, I’d use different language to make his points, but I get it.
Basically, struggle is something we learn. We don’t start out life struggling, we learn it. We take it in really deeply. Then, when it is way down deep inside and we’ve long forgotten it was learned, it’s no longer optional. It’s just the way it is. When I’m not struggling, if I even notice!, I feel lucky and then anxious cuz struggle’ll be back any second. I compare myself to others and feel envious of those who seem struggle free.
For me, this is a really typical example of something I often experience. What I can understand in my head is different, at times very frustratingly different, than what my body has learned from experience. I can read this little book and get what he’s saying, but as long as it stays only in my head it’s of little use.
No amount of reading about dance or watching other people dance helps me learn how to actually dance. No amount of telling myself my struggles are chosen will change anything until I do something embodied and experiential. One of the ways to poke at this is Authentic Relating.
I can tell y’all Authentic Relating is good for you, and you might nod your head, “Sure, sure, I hear you, Ryan.” But that may just be that smart brain of yours intellectually understanding. Deeper knowing can only come from experience.
When I sit down with some humxns and reveal that I am struggling and what it feels like, those other people start saying, “Me too, and here’s what it feels like to me.” If no one tries to fix me, and no one belittles how I feel, I start to feel better. My emotions get loosened up. Sensations move through my body. None of this is brain work. I start feeling different, my struggle feels less like a struggle, and I start to remember I have agency.
Sharing with others what it feels like to struggle and what it feels like to have it suggested that my struggling is by choice (grrrr!!) opens us to shared experience. That, my loves, is where we get sweet, sweet relief. That is how we can see our way forward.
Authentic Relating is where I get to do this, and you can too. Maybe the next day won’t feel like so much of a struggle.